Performance Anxiety and Beta Blockers

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The first time I remember being nervous about speaking in front of strangers was at the end of 5th grade. I was 10 years old, it was my first year at a new school. Despite that, I'd made a good number of new friends, and I felt comfortable with my classmates and teacher. Summer break was approaching, and as is typical around that time, a big project was coming due -- a speech in front of the class.

We were permitted to choose the topic ourselves (I chose geckos). The speech had a minimum time requirement, students were to stand in front of the class and present, while a VHS camcorder recorded the presentations from the back. Despite the mundane grounds of the classroom, the familiar faces that would be looking back at me and a topic I was passionate about and prepared to talk about at length... I was nervous.

I can't say I really remember how it went, but I do remember the butterflies in my stomach, my shaking hands, sweaty palms, and quivering voice. I remember the dread. And I remember shame. I remember thinking 'I never want to watch that recording'. Indeed, I never did.

Nothing helped. I'd ask people for tips, do practice runs, over-prepare, under-prepare, try getting better sleep, try going without sleep, more caffiene?? less caffiene, positive affirmations, no cigarettes, more cigarettes??? sneak a beer in the college parking lot beforehand, breathing exercises, physical exercises, and other dubious methods of attempting to slow my heart rate.

Same story as always. Confident in the topic, after all, I'd written the damn software myself. I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT. I WAS EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT IT. But that doesn't matter. It never has. Shaking like a leaf, gasping for air, trying to tell jokes while panicking inside -- I delivered my talk. The audience was very kind, applauding at my start and finish. A select few devs came up and introduced themselves after my presentation, I could even tell some were geniunely interested, and also excited to talk about gamedev.

..but I could tell they could tell. I could see on their faces, a bit of confusion, followed by a pitying expression. Not that that's really even what bothers me any more -- after all, this was a new town. I didn't know any of these people, and I never had to see them again (and in fact I never did, I never went back to this meetup). A handful of presenters were there to advertise their product, others to advertise themselves having just finished a bootcamp with the event's sponsor. So what's really at stake for me? I wanted people to see a thing I made and say "hey, that's cool". Something between seeking a community and ego-satisfaction, I suppose.

What bothered me the most was my inability to overcome. It has been 25 years of this now. I've worked for decades to become established in my career. I went to the gym for years, eventually running a 10K (6mi), and bench-pressing 100kg (225lb). I spent years working on a relationship, and married my wife. But I can't seem to perform under pressure.

At the time of writing, I've been working as a Software Engineer at Fastly. It's my first Software Engineer job, and I really like it. I get to work with smart folks on cool stuff. In December of 2024, my coworker Dan Gohman asked if I would like to co-present at the 2025 WASM I/O conference. I told him I would think about it, but immediately started planning how to say 'no'.

I mentioned the invitation to a supervisor. My supervisor was incredibly supportive. He said he thought I should absolutely do it. I told him I was leaning toward a 'no'. When he asked why, I told him that I'd always been a terrible public speaker, and that I'd probably just embarrass myself. I sent him the above video from Vegas, so that he could see for himself. He claimed to not see what I was trying to get across. He said I'd be great, and asked what he or the company could do to help. "What do you need?", I could see he was genuine in his support. "A xanax prescription", I somberly joked.

I told Dan I'd do it, and then the panic set in. 'I'm such an idiot. I know what's going to happen, why do I continue to do this to myself'. After a few days it subsided. Our talk hadn't been accepted yet, maybe I'll get lucky and they'll reject our submission. The proposal was accepted. I started working on slides. The date drew closer.

This was actually a very busy time for my wife and I. We'd gotten married in August of 2024. We moved to a new city, in the midst of getting set up with new local doctors, discovered she was riddled with kidney stones (the largest our new doctor had ever seen). My wife needed surgery, several surgeries in fact. I told my supervisors it could interfere with the scheduling around the event. It didn't. I was in the midst of a push for a promotion. My Mexican citizen wife and I are starting the process of applying for her Green Card, knee deep in a new anti-immigrant administration. And on top of it all, the stars were aligning, and this talk was going to happen.

Weeks before I'm due to fly out for the talk, I've finally gotten to my appointment with my new doctor. Mostly to talk about my bad knee, arthritis in my hands, and tendonitis. Near the end, the doctor asked if there was anything else. "I'd like some beta blockers, I'm giving a talk soon, and I have some performance anxiety". There was a breif pause. "I've taken Propranolol before, and seen good results", I lied, like a fucking liar. (I'd read about propranolol having learned about it in a documentary about orchestral musicians at the top of their field, maintaining dexterity while under immense pressure). To my surprise, he said "OK, how about 30 pills?"

About 2 weeks before the talk, I'm losing sleep. I'm having work nightmares. I wake up and my chest hurts. I get regular physical exercise, I eat healthy, no caffiene, no sugar. Still I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack any moment. I started taking the beta blockers, once a day in the morning, and a light sleep aid (melatonin) every night. Suddenly I can sleep. My stomach isn't in knots, my chest doesn't hurt, my hands aren't even shaking. Feels like cheat codes. This was all it took? And it existed the whole time? And all I had to do was ask, and pay $30... I'd resisted the idea of medication in the past, thinking maybe I wouldn't feel like me. Maybe I'd be less me. I should be able to do all this solely by my own means...

And it went great! I still feel like I have some work to do in regards to actually being good at this, but 'PRETTY GOOD' is miles better than 'ABSOLUTELY ABYSMAL'. I'm so glad I did this talk, and I'm so glad for modern medicine. Ultimately I wanted to share this story for anyone who might also struggle with performance anxiety, or maybe even anxiety in general. I feel like I'm finally free to pursue things I want to do, without the fear of how my body chemistry will make me look. Maybe I'll even make a page on here just for talks :)

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